manitonquat: the basics of the circle

As people hear others dare to say things that are accepted and they are not judged, then they will dare a little more themselves. And when they feel themselves accepted and respected it will give them the courage to dare a little more to be completely honest. Because all of us really want to be accepted, and we want to be known. We don’t want only our attractive exteriors admired, or oar lies about ourselves, because that isn’t really us. We want all of ourselves, who we are, all we think and do and feel, to be understood and respected. So as long as we feel it may be safe, we will keep trying to open more of ourselves to the circle.
It is this openness that helps us to be close to others. Intimacy is not possible without openness. At a deep level all of us long to be close to others. That is the main attraction of the circle. The way our elders put it is: “Speak from your heart.”
Some people have been so hurt that they don’t want anything to do with people. Trees, flowers, animals, yes, but forget people, they are too treacherous. But when these people come into a circle I can see and feel their longing to be close, even as they deny it. And I watch the safety of respect work on them until they begin to open more and more, and lo and behold they find for the first time that there are some people they can trust and be close to. (…)

If we always speak and listen with Respect.
Always speak and listen with the Heart,
In this way we may come together and find ourselves.
In this way we can come home.

If the circle is new or if there are new people in it, the use of the talking stick will be explained:

1. Each one will have the opportunity to hold the stick in turn.
2. When you hold the stick you are cautioned only to speak always with respect and from the heart.
3. Those who are listening are also reminded to listen with respect and with an open heart. Our thoughts sometimes get in the way of a clear communication, as we are being judgmental, holding opinions, sometimes disagreeing or arguing in our minds with the speaker.
4. But to listen with respect we need not agree, so also we need not disagree. We may only stay open to hear the person’s heart. To feel with our own open hearts the real heart’s truth of the speaker.

In our ceremonies and many other circles of our people we have no time limit. We will stay as long as it takes for everyone to be heard. The speaker will go on uninterrupted for as long as he wishes. Of course, if he was being very long-winded, repetitive, self-absorbed and boring, people would probably start to slip away and he would find he had lost his audience and eventually was standing there alone!. That happens only very rarely. If everyone should leave, the speaker (someone not used to speaking in circles) would get the idea and be more attentive next tune.
Some of our meetings may have a limited time. Then it may be necessary to count the number of people and divide into the time available and have a timekeeper who can let the speakers know when their time has run out. If some people speak for a shorter time the stick can come back to any who might need a longer time, but it’s important that everyone be able to hold the stick.
Some may not want to take the stick, because they are feeling shy or out of sorts. They should be encouraged to take it anyway and at least say their names and greet the circle. Some may feel they have nothing to say beyond greeting everyone. I also encourage them not to pass the stick too quickly. I ask them to hold it for a few moments and just feel the vibrations in the stick, the attention of the circle, and their own feelings. Very often if they do that, they find that they do have something that they want to share. If not, at least they can feel the interest and caring and support of the circle for a few moments. (…)

Even if this is a circle that has been together for a long time and the people know each other well, I will usually ask for them to begin by sharing something positive about themselves or their lives. A “new and good” we often call it. This is because it is good to begin, as you might say, on a high note. If everyone says what is good in their lives, our circle begins on a hopeful and optimistic level. It is good energy and also a reminder that if we should get into things that are more problematic and difficult, we still have many blessings and all the support we need to deal with hard times. (…)

Other positive beginnings can be used that are easier:

1. “Tell us what it is you love the most,”
2. “What is easy for you to love,” or it could be something past or future as,
3. “What’s the most exciting thing you’ve ever done?” or
4. “What would be really fun to do?”

You can use your imagination to think up beginnings that might be humorous or light or stimulating.

So you see we are not afraid of or averse to emotions when they show themselves, no matter how unpleasant. Indeed we rejoice to be able to help one of our beloved friends through a difficult and hurtful place and at the opportunity that affords for us all to break more barriers and get closer to one another. People who do not understand about feelings in this way get embarrassed when others show their emotions, or they feel badly for them. They want to pretend the emotions are not there, or to change the subject and divert attention away. If we are the ones having the feelings we are ashamed to show them. We feel they are an imposition on others, that we are supposed to deal with them by ourselves without bothering anyone else, so we push them down.